The worst moment of my entire life

So I'm coming home from college and packing up all my crap. And what I think will be a two hour thing turns into and six hour thing.

See, this year I have been so frustrated because I have felt such a disconnect from God when it comes to Missions. Like I wanted to go to Kids Kamp last year, and I wanted to do this this and this. But you know what? I've been selfish.

There was a breaking point as I was stuffing my car on my way home from college.

I thought about Jesus and the parable of the rich guy. He had all this stuff ::

"Sell all your stuff and follow me."

Okay God, what if I stop caring about all this stuff? What if I let stuff start falling out of my car? What happens then?

Facebook & other embarrassing things

After cancer I was stuck on a feeling that if I relied other things...... Like facebook... It's like I felt it would make me feel better from my pathetic life. I hate hypocrites but I'm the biggest one that there is.

There is more to life than likes, red dots and youtube videos that only provide a few seconds of happiness.

one life to live

Yeah, I being cheesy. But I'm in a good mood. Because one thing I have learned this year is that I'm not confined to stuff that happens to me. My friends lie. People die.

One thing that stays the same is God lived and died. So why don't I start to try.

Let's go.

Worshiping the little red number 1

Facebook is a wonderful invention. No doubt. The ability to connect thousands of people at once. Wow. Now that's great.

But it's been my best friend for so lonnng. Since the end for my freshman year of high school. It was there for me when I broke up with my first boyfriend, my dad got cancer, I got cancer, my grandpa died and I moved to every type of living space available at KU. I have spent hours with it. Fought with people on it. Loved it. Worshipped it. Stopped conversations with real people to check it. So let's see what life is like without it.


"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:19

-Courtney

in the desert

I, am in liberal anything goes wilderness right now.

standing up for what is right

Four reasons why I should make good choices
1. Right choices build character
- What I do today will definitely effect tomorrow. The story of Jacob and how his choice to not sleep with Potifer's wife effected the rest of his life thereafter. Because he chose right, yeah it was tough in the moment but in the end her was victorious because he had good character.

2. Right choices Protect US
- Theres a kid who had a neighbor with a pool. He and his girlfriend decided to go down to the pool late one night and go for a swim. Who could it hurt?
- They saw signs all over the fences around the pool, "KEEP OUT. DO NOT SWIM!"
- Choosing to ignore them, they climbed the fence and tried to go for a swim.
- Upon taking off her shoes his girlfriend heard bones crushing as he jumped in and crushed his back
- The 2 kids thought the signs where there to keep them from having fun, but really they were there to protect them.
- Now he cant walk for the rest of his life, all because he did what he wanted not because he did what is right.

3. Right Choices Provide for US
- I am going through a carnival MAZE in life. God has the vantage Point of seeing the whole maze. Now I just have to navigate according to right turns.

4. RIght Choices Make US examples to our peers
-People are always watching me. I have a million little eye balls on me all the time. I just have to remember that before I do something stupid like get another piercing or go get wasted with a friend.

God Bless
Radioactive Girl

Manure

Francis Chan in Crazy Love talks about manure.

Christians are like manure, if they stay in one place, they stink up the place, but if they spread out, then they make things GROW.

God will spit lukewarm Christians out of their mouth.
Most people think of lukewarm and say, oh yeah, thats me!
But that should disgust a person.

Francis was like manure is higher on the list then lukewarm Christians.

Its impossible to be close to God when we fail to even spend time with Him.

He wants ALL of us.

Just because I'm done with Crazy Love doesn't mean I'm done Crazy Lovin'

I was in crazy love about the same time last year. He was my everything. The boy of my dreams.

Some day, one of these days, I'm going to be dead. Its a wonderful yet scary fact of life. Pretty much the only thing that this world can guarantee me.

What will people remember me for ?

Crazy Love is a great book. A godly view on what it means to look past the box I sometimes put God in. I tried to read that book for 8 months. Never having enough time or making excuses for not reading. But then I got over the anger I had at God for letting me have cancer, and I finished it in 4 weeks.

As Becky Lutes says, a Life without God.. sucks.

So I'm reading..

I'm starting a new book: Sean Mcdowell's Ethix.
Its about making the right choices in a messed up World.
Exactly what I need to be reading.

He wrote me this verse when he signed my book

Hebrews 10: 39
But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroy but those who believe and are saved.

Profile of the Lukewarm.

I used to think of the word lukewarm as something to go awwh.. whatever.
Now, it makes me want to vomit.

It was talking about a passage in Luke I think about how Christ was talking to a group of people and He was talking in parables. So those who didn't know He personally or didn't want to couldn't follow. God didn't want the fakers.

I, Courtney Holmes.
Can be the biggest faker in the world.
And Christ doesn't want that of me, or for me to follow him.
Because, I know the truth, I just choose my own sin, for whoever knows what is right and doesn't do it, is still in sin.


If I go over to certain peoples houses, and I know that there will be liquor, I better have the power to not drink and stop them or I am in sin.

God didn't want me when I showed up just to show up to church. HE selfishly wants all of Courtney Ann Holmes.

Cinderella

I have concluded I am Cinderella.
I am Hilary Duff only an older version from that 2004 movie.
My expectations for guys I have dated have been too low.

I want a guy who loves God first of all.... Not just the stuff God promises, but be totally in the word, not perfect but know where he is in his relationship and have that be solid.

I want a guy who loves people. A guy who can walk into a room, and change the mood by his positive presence. A guy who doesn't need to hide behind me or cling to me, but needs care for others and treats me as a team-mate when in groups. A guy who reaches out to younger boys and loves on them like I enjoy pouring into younger girls.

I want a guy who is not afraid of risk, He can make choices based on what God wants not himself.


This is why Im not dating until Summer 2011,, because boys of the world, aren't there yet, and Im not ready to embrace that because I haven't even embraced who I am.

Let the dead bury the dead

Today I in Crazy Love there is a passage,
Luke 9:57-62 to be exact
As they were walking along the road, a man said to him I will follow you wherever you go, Jesus replied, Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head, He said to another man, Follow me. But the man replied, Lord first let me go and bury my father. Jesus said to him, Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God. Still another said, I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family. Jesus replied, No one who puts his had to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.

I was like well, this sucks.
One of the things keeping me in Wichita is my aging grandparents. If I leave and GO serve in Colorado next summer, then God could take them from me without being close.

They are saved though, others are not.

So, while spending every waking minute with them would be awesome, its not reality I would anyway one, and two, I don't think God wants that from me.

This. Is a hard truth.

follow through

why do we humans feel entitled to point out another human's flawels, isn't we without sin suppose to throw the first stone? So why do we feel like we should say whatever it is that pops into out tiny little heads. It's rude to have a tude.

The chapter I almost didn't finish

Like Francis Chans dad, my dad is not overly affectionate. He is stern, tough, and strong. I fear him and his wrath. I never want to disappoint him, so that translated into my heavenly father. This WAS a tough chapter, but it hardened my goals. What DO I WANT IN LIFE? Does it match watch GOD wants? I have concluded I need to do some soul searching,

DO I love God or the stuff he gives me?

Pastor Ken Cooper once said, Let me die before I disappoint my heavenly father.

He died for us so why don't we live for him?

things I want to change:
My view of God
My view of self in Christ's Kingdom

Crazy Love

What Does it mean to fall deep into Love with Christ?
Nothing stays the same for long?
What will you say when I'm dead?
Will all the junk I just cleaned out of my room really be worth it?
Will I care all that much if my brother uses my toothbrush if I'm dead?

- Don't forget the little girl who everyone thought was a freak, and she bought all these bibles and she died on the way too the movies and hundreds of kids were saved because of her. She WAS a JESUS FREAK. I wanna be like.
- The guy at the funeral who decided to share Christ, "One day this will happen to you"... He crokes. People believed in Jesus. The time to believe is now.
- Working will not get me to heaven. Church won't get me to HEAVEN. A relationship with the God of the Universe is where its AT....!


things I will change:
--Dont treat my relationship with him like its a list of do's and don'ts
--Pray and read my bible, the rest of this stuff will come with it.

Stop Praying

Challenge taught me the value of prayer. God transformed the lives of one little girl who was on my heart for 7 months. All that time I thought God wasn't listening, He was. God was reverently listening all that time when I thought He had abandoned me. But really, He was letting me run away because He knew I would go far for long. Francis Chan was talking about the importance of prayer being thought out. A guy was talking about how he was sleeping with a girl and God wasn't listening to Him. Francis was like,,, buddy? wake up. Your living in unconfessed sin and excepting God to see past it?? And the guy was expecting Francis to pray with him, Francis was like, NO! Because coming before Christ means thinking before you speak..


Things I need to change:
Never Forget to PRAISE GOD.
- He created me, and everything around me
- Not just talk at God, think through before I speak.

Dear Facebook, I hate you.

I hate facebook. Here's why, Today, someone saw something I posted, because I was really tired and sick and yadaddad yadada yadada. Then took it the wrong way, cut off my family and told us to get out of their lives.

Facebook I hate you.
I have to many "friends" to manage you, too many pictures to waste my life to wait on you, and wayy to much life left to waste stalking people who have time to be wasting on there in the first place... FACEBOOK, I hate you.